What happened to Miss J?

Apologies a million times over for not posting in ages, but it’s been, needless to say, a bit hectic.

Andre Leon Talley

Naturally, I’ve been keeping up with the regulars, and the question/thing that stands out to me the most is ANTM and the introduction of Andre Leon Talley.

My god, is he a breath of fresh air on the show because for once, there’s someone on the panel with Tyra who can actually shut. her. up. and, she knows she can’t say a damn thing about it because that man is close to a fashion god. For heaven’s sake, he’s sat second fiddle to none other than THE Anna Wintour where Tyra may have merely just posed for her.

The man has talent, and Tyra knows it. He has flare, and, he has an eye for the avant garde.

So I wholly welcome him to the show. (And, I wonder how long he’ll be able to tolerate her antics. Only time will tell.)

But what I DO want to know is, where on earth did they hide my adorable Miss J?

While his pedantic and childish “growing-bowtie” antics were laughable, they were just that– laughable and endearing. This season, he’s only surfaced less than a handful of times, which is actually quite sad. It makes you wonder– did he finally tick of the great Miss Tyra?

According to the Press Release, Miss J is quoted saying, “After cycles of watching the girls not get it right, I thought they would benefit more from my high heels’ and hands-on approach than my sitting in a chair judging their photos.”

Nevertheless, the girls this season are just as catty as ever, with some donning massive eyebrows like Raina; some thinking they’re tougher than the rest, like Angelea; the full figured model like Alexandra; and then Krista, the girl with great bone structure.

Clockwise: Raina, Angelea, Alexandra, Krista

With just a few more weeks left, I’m hoping for a few more Miss J sightings, a couple more wild comments from Andre Leon Talley that snap Tyra in shape, and, a serious tweazing of the eyebrows for Raina.

We’ll see what ANTM brings. In the words of Tyra, I’m sure it will be “Fierce”– or not.

Review: True Beauty

I’m two episodes into ABC’s “True Beauty” and I’m beginning to think that the show’s hosts are just as ugly on the inside as some of the contestants. I’m not sure why I’m surprised, considering the show is the brainchild of Ashton Kutcher and Tyra Banks– two people born to make you feel ugly.  

But we’re all supposed to think Vanessa Minnillo, Cheryl Tiegs (I thought Janice Dickinson was the first Supermodel– does Tyra really hate Janice THAT much that she wants to rob her of that title? DRAMA), and Nolé Marin are all legitimiately beautiful on the inside that they’re adequate judges of these other contestants? 

If you ask me, Vanessa, Cheryl, and Nolé should probably be contestants themselves. The only way I would have found this show “believable” (in the way that any superficial reality show can be believable) is if they had thrown in a judge who was known for their philanthropy and genuine heart. Instead, we were given three judges who are all superficially beautiful and essentially are no better than anyone else on the show. The words “pot” “kettle” and “black” definitely come to mind whilst watching. 

Don’t get me wrong– the show can be entertaining, but it’s not because the contestants are actually learning anything. Even when they’re disqualified for being ugly on the inside, the contestants don’t “get it” and argue with the judges decision– proving that the show makes no impact on their lives. 

The challenges devised are superficial at best– contrived and shallow, they don’t develop a sense of inner beauty, but instead merely touch on socially accepted standards of beauty– like donating money to a charity. If the show was truly interested in finding out who was a “True Beauty” they would send the contestants to a soup kitchen in couture gowns and challenge them to work the kitchen, keep the dress/garment clean, and make a friend. Contestants would maintain their superficial attributes because they’d be decked out in couture, but they’d also learn what it’s like to help another, and would be forced to foster a legitimate connection with someone they probably wouldn’t have connected with. 

In the end, I know the show is going to stay on it’s current course: fake people judged by even faker celebrities. All I can hope for is that at the end, Ashton Kutcher will jump out and yell that the judges got Punk’d and really they’re the most superficial of the bunch. 

Hey, now that would be good TV.

Models, Stylists, catch-up, oh-my!

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted here, and I apologize. Life has been a trifle bit hectic and I just realized I never even posted about the season finale of America’s Next Top Model. So, let’s dive right in.

ANTM: Sigh, big surprise, it came down to McKey and someone else. Even bigger surprise? McKey won. (Can you sense the sarcasm?) Yes, I get that she has a unique look, and yes, I get that she’s the only one who has been fairly consistent throughout the show, but I can’t help but want someone else to win. Anyone else to win. Ok, maybe not anyone else– but you get the idea.

I think the part of the show that really irked me was the fact that at the end, they threw in the fact that she’s been modeling for years. I suppose it’s my own naivety to think that all of these girls are relative rookies and have little to no formal training as models (I prefer to think of all “reality TV” contestants as “raw” as opposed to what they really are– pseudo-actors), but I felt especially duped to find out about McKey’s training in the final moments of the FINAL episode of the season. Way to try to sway your audience, ANTM.

As far as I’m concerned, unless next season’s models are complete and utter trainwrecks, or Janice Dickinson comes back, ANTM won’t have a place in my TiVo. Farewell, Tyra. Your insane antics were fun… sorta.

Stylista: I caught another episode of Stylista this past week and can’t help but cheer for Danielle, the girl who got the boot. For those of you vaguely familiar with the show, she was the “visual merchandiser” who brought up her weight all throughout the episode, “It’s All About Who You Know.” I’m all for rockin’ what you’ve got, but IMO, Danielle’s “freak out” when she was forced to pick something from the Elle closet to wear to the party was completely self-inflicted. If you’re unhappy with how you look, or feel uncomfortable, or other people are making you feel uncomfortable, go with the easy alternative– handbags and shoes. Grab and go, and get on with your life. Besides, who doesn’t love a great pair of shoes? 🙂

Weight issues and unnecessary drama aside, if I was Anne, I don’t think I’d hire any of these kids. Well, maybe Johanna. None of them seem to know their way around a layout, let alone a fashion house and it just seems like a death wish. Honestly, when I was in junior high in journalism/yearbook I could pull together a better looking page layout than what these kids are doing, and they supposedly have an “eye for design.”

Give me a break. Stylista just seems like yet another television scam adept at mocking fashion and publishing. Maybe one day someone will come up with a show that actually features smart people who know their shit. Oh wait, that wouldn’t be any fun to watch, and, would be called the real world. Sigh.

Demarchelier/ Glamour Magazine

Britney Spears: Britney Spears has returned. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t adore her, but yay! I’m so happy that Britney at least looks healthy, though in MTV’s recent Brit documentary I couldn’t help but think that there was a special kind of sadness tucked away behind her eyes.

Britney’s team has been on a mad don’t-call-it-a-comeback media-blitz– hitting European media outlets, news magazines, Rolling Stone, and today on her 27th birthday, Britney performed on Good Morning America.

If you didn’t see her “Circus” acts on Good Morning America this morning she’s looking much better, but I hope the high-waisted hot-pants that she’s wearing as a part of her ringleader gettup doesn’t become a trend. Katy Perry already tried, and so did Madonna and thankfully neither of their influences have stretched further than the “costume” category, but Britney tends to have (or had) mass appeal… let’s hope fans opt for the super chic look of Brit Brit on this month’s Glamour instead of the three ring approach.

ANTM: “The Final Five”

Since we’re down to the final five, I figured it’s only fitting to break down each of the remaining models, based on their personality and performance. Each of these assessments are independent of tonight’s episode.

Let’s start with my least favorite: Elina.

Elina, Elina, Elina. Oh, how you remind me of a pseudo Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie. I’m so over your tired antics, your tattooed arms and body, and your cocky ways. If you actually tried, you not only have the potential to be good, BUT, you also might be a little more tolerable. Instead, you mope around and blame your obnoxious tendencies on being European, or a rebel, or expressing yourself, or whatever it is that’s your excuse du jour, and coast through. You should have been gone weeks ago.

But don’t, worry, Elina, i’s not just you that I dislike. I’m also quite over you, McKey, but am much more willing to let your “antics” slide because you have more talent than Elina and are typically less obnoxious. Yes, sometimes your mouth confuses me. It’s just so wide and prominent, and when they slap on red or wine lipstick on you, with your pale skin and your black hair, I just become captivated. And no, in this case, that’s NOT a good thing

And then there’s Samantha, the girl I forget exists. You’re so completely commercial that it’s almost delightful. If the show was based solely on the ability to sell Crest White Strips and jeans, you’d have it in the bag. Sadly for you, it’s not. Most days you sneak by completely unnoticed, and I have a feeling the judges feel the same way I do. Occasionally, you take a kickass photo and that resonates long enough in the viewer or panel member’s mind to keep you around for a phase or two, and you coast by on your mediocre photos and in your mom outfits. But Samantha, my dear, step it up. This might cut it if you wanted to be homecoming queen or if you were pledging a sorority, but you’ve got to find some spunk if you want to pull it out and win.

Ahh, Marjorie. For so long, you were my favorite. You, and your awkward, hunchback ways. Your mousy demeanor was endearing and I was certain we’d get to witness you evolve as a human and as a model. By the end of the season I imagined a glorious, more confident model who had spunk and confidence, and did it with pride. And then there’s reality. In all honesty, Marjorie may have progressed as a model, but it’s only because she learned to embrace her humped back and timid stance. As a person? She’s in the exact same boat as she was week 1 when Mr and Ms J(ay) donned their silver space suits and scared the bejesuses out of all of the models. Marjorie, when you find your confidence, come find fashion, and you’ll go far.

Which leaves us with Analeigh— the girl-next-door beauty who can photograph amazingly well. Sure, she’s had some crappy photos, but the girl can take a critique well. From day one, the team thought that she’d be a sure bet with her ice skating background, but as we learned in last week’s episode, Analeigh said that this typically brings her down. No matter how she finds her stride (no pun intended), I’m glad she does because the girl has spunk. She’s dedicated and cute, and can work it– from both a commercial and a couture perspective. If I was on the panel, she’d be my bet.

And now for the results…

Shocking moment of the night? Elina is 18. The only time the girl has looked 18 is when she screamed.

Kudos of the night are definitely owed to Samantha, who’s photo looked exactly like a Calvin Klein ad campaign. Nicely done.

I’m so glad Elina got the boot… it’s about time. I just hope that Marjorie actually listens to Tyra’s advice, because she was right– she needs to be more confident if she’s ever going to make it in the modeling world.

ANTM: Planes, Trains and Slow Automobiles

Wow, we’re down to the final 6. How did that happen? Usually by this point there’s an obvious pick for the final two (or three) — but not this season. Perhaps it’s because this season is a touch lackluster, or because the girls all seem to melt into each other as far as their quirks and idiosyncrasies go. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because Tyra has been (passive-agressively) shoving season 10 winner, Whitney, down our throats.

First it was all of the Cover Girl commercials, then it was Whitney showing up at one of the challenges, and now, it’s an entire house in Amsterdam– dedicated totally to Whitney. We get it Tyra. She’s the next version of you. Now stop making me hate her by supersaturating the show with images and clips of her.

Moving on, the girls had a bit of a “lesbian experience” in the tub as soon as they landed in Amsterdam– another awkward filming moment that creates a divisive line between the contestants on the show. Elena continued to bore me as she was unable to “work her look” and ignored Mr. Jay’s help on this week’s shoot. Paulina was right when she said her photo looked like she had scurvy or rickets. She’s gotta find a way to work ALL of her body, not just her eyes and face.

Again, Ms. J was the highpoint of the show, when he took off his pants to save Samantha’s “mom” or “summer interview” outfit. Tyra of course, attempted to save the look, but failed and ended up  making Samantha look like a rumpled mess. Ms. J’s “pants sharing” was utterly fantastic and good for a laugh in a relatively drab episode.

In the end, Elena stuck around and the judges sent home spunky Sheena, the Kimora Lee Simmons lookalike. Farewell, Sheena– hope to see you in the glossies soon!

ANTM: “The Fiercee Awards”

We now return to our regularly scheduled program: The Tyra Show: ANTM.

As if the models “learning” tips from Tyra wasn’t enough (and yes, she talked about her eyes… again), Tyra wore a hood/cape for the judging because she was being “theatrical.”

All Tyra-ness aside, I was so happy to see Analeigh and Marjorie step up and, well, model. Both of their shots this week were top notch, and what they needed to stay in the competition. Maybe now, the other girls will recognize them as competition, instead of fawning over the Angelina Jolie look alike, Elina. 

Current models aside, the part of the show that seems to worry me the most is the newest segment, narrated by “noted fashion photographer, Nigel Barker,” “Top Models in Action.” This segment appears as nothing more than a desperate attempt by Tyra and her staff to make past winners relevant.

By reviving the “careers” of the models who flopped, perhaps Tyra is hoping to compel her audience to get of their backsides and demand her models are selected for photos. However, what Tyra and her team fail to realize is that these segments only reiterate the fact that Tyra’s “Top Model” selections turn into flops (exception: Adrienne Curry). Tyra, let’s let sleeping dogs lie, and instead focus on fixing that obnoxious thing you call a personality.

Toccara Jones’ “Top Models in Action” Segment

ANTM: “Natural Beauty”

I know we’ve all thought it, but I’m going to say it. What in the heck is wrong with Tyra Banks? Yes, I know she’s full of herself and thinks the world revolves around her, but seriously, how is it possible to progressively become THAT weird and self absorbed? 

As if it wasn’t bad enough that she somehow managed to con Mr. Jay and Ms. J into being “robots” in the season opener (I’m not even going to start on the whole Snow-White-poison-apple-thing), she’s mixing her dose of crazy into every ounce of the show she can. Luckily this week viewers were spared another Tyra acting melodrama, but instead, were forced to watch the “real” Tyra. Somehow, even when Tyra is being “normal” (see: this week’s judge discussion) she manages to be a nutcase. This week, she spoke like she was a vampire and no one seemed to notice. I’m not sure if this speaks more to Tyra, or to the fact that the judges are so conditioned to her whackyness that they’re oblivious to her oddities, but something’s gotta give. 

I can’t help but pity Mr. Jay each time he’s on the show, as Tyra seems to have made it her personal mission to make him look (and dress) like a fool. This week, he was Godzilla. Two weeks ago, a fairy-tale prince. What’s next? Viewers need to see more of the real Mr. Jay, and less of the dramatic monster Tyra’s trying to create. 

Also missing from this (and almost every season)? Ms. J. Give us Ms. J. She’s amazing– from her legs, to her sense of humor, Ms. J is the only real reason why I keep watching, because at least her comments are constructive. Tyra’s? Not so much. How many times can she say “smile with your eyes” and “be pretty when you’re ugly.” My guess is there’s at least one of those gems in each of the remaining episodes this season, but one can only hope the editors cut it out.  

Who am I kidding. The editors aren’t even trying. Rather than trying to make the next two girls in the bottom two a mystery, the editors have become lazy and let you know right off the bat by giving them prime “venting” or “gloating time.”

Case in point? This week. Tonight’s episode opens with Joslyn confides in her sister the fact that she’s worried she’s going to  be in the bottom two because her photos haven’t improved. Pan to cocky Clark, who’s photo last week was picked first. Clark is seen bragging about being “on top” last week and how good it feels. Within the first ten minutes of the show you already know who’s going to be on the chopping block: Joslyn and Clark.

So does it come as a surprise that Tyra and her team decide Clark is just too pretty to be cocky and send her home? Nope. Remember, we only let cocky “ugly” girls (see: Robyn Manning, season 1) stick around till the end. 

Come on, Tyra. Get it together. Bring back Janice Dickinson (sorry Paulina, you just don’t have enough bite) and find some models that actually pack some punch. (I swear, if I hear Marjorie complain about how she’s so timid because she’s French I might scream). We’ve stuck with you this long– don’t completely bail on us now.